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Posted By Subodh on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
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Original Image Credit: Fuck off by Photoyoung.deviantart.com. This image has been modified from the original.Dear Google:

Look, I know you’re big, and that’s cool. I’m a small blogger, that’s pro'lly somethin' you don' bother 'bout. Ya see, I had been runnin’ AdSense on my blog but you freaked out on somethin' and locked up me account. I’m straight, dude, I’m cool. I know how it works, you and the god damn one time appeal. Excuse my forwardness on the situation, but I ain’t got that much time, shit to do, just like you, my man.

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Image Credit: PhotoYoung ~DeviantArt

 

 

Yo, I wanna thank you, for doin’ your job so well. I mean there’s bad guys everywhere, ones that fill their pages with AdSense ads like Castro at Booty call. But you know how to handle shit, yea. I’m a tell you ‘bout this little incident you may have heard of, but ya know, it’s cool, your engineers just prob’ly didn’t get it straight as I could've told you.

So I was running one ad per blog post in the last year. The other day I pro'lly added one more. Alright, so it was pro'lly three or four god damn more ad spaces, what do ya want from me? I wuz experimentin …fuck. Excuse my language, Goog.  so is taht why you cancel me AdSense account?

So I peep in to me Goog Analytics account one day and see this huge shit comin from somewhere. This small blog o mine, that’s what I call me homepage anyway, I'm old school yo, I say, “Who the hell are these idiots?" so anyway I know my server can handle this shit so why bother. after a few weeks me thinks these people don respect me so I pick up the entire frickin IP range from DNSStuff.com 'n block their shit forever. I'm a young man ya see and I dont like people disrespecting me. okay so I was tad bit late in noticing so is that why you cancel me AdSense account?

I'm a deep thinker you see and people copy my shit. last month I picked up a fight with some of my ol pallies coz they patented some of my shit. I mean that was bad of them you know. So I send them a stinkin mail and them creeps keep visitin me blog. I mean fuckin' morons would visit me blog every-hour. Now I did them a favor and I don't talk to them no more. I mean I sincerely forgave them.  you see your Analytics thing dont tell me what they do so I don't know. I see some cents appearing in me account and then disappearin and I says, "What can they do, morons." I was doin them a favor. Now, you're smart and you know the NAT IP I figure you already ignoring them sob'es. Now I too work in the same building and me NAT IP looks the same as them so is that why you cancel me AdSense account?

Now I say this very sincerely, I mean it is true after all. I hate that me site is slow. Fuckin’ too slow. So, if I'm not interrupting your thinking process, let me explain what only your engineers can understand. Last month I spent lotsa $$$ to buy a frickin caching module and set it to cache me pages for 48 hours. Now it dont do no good to me and I spend my weekend trying to fix shit it did. it broke my windows live writer plugin and won't ignore your AdSense code and would post multiple copies of ads on every revision. I didn’t know what to do and I says, “I ain’t got the time for fixing this shit today." You see I gotta work to do as well cause thats what I get paid for, not my blog and it pro'lly took me a few days before I jetted the frickin cache thingy away. Now the cache thingy was showin the same ads every time coz it cached the whole page. I’m a notch above, ya see. if somebody clicked on them,  you might have presumed somethin'. "Ah, this fuckin' ad was delivered 3 days back and I see a click now? must be fraud." so is that why you cancel me AdSense account?

Anyway, goog’, take it easy, I still got a loong way to go to in my guesswork coz you won't fuckin' tell me why you close me AdSense account.

Yea, so me blog's page views are not like eye poppin or somethin'... they 're sometimes flat on the floor. Alright, so they are flat all days except when I make a new post bro. You know I’m a cool guy-yo, everyone knows I am and I gotta keep that image ya know. So I serve ads with various networks, whatever gets shit on me site. Yo, but I can only keep so many page views by asking frenz and all to visit me site. Now some days back your Analytics told me to share some shit with yo too-cool-for-me-AdSense-shit and I said yes. Bro, I've been tryin hard but now just coz some Analytics shit yakked that I got no good page views is why you close me AdSense account?

For so long, I been watching me account at $99 somethin' ... It never reached 100 and you never paid me. Fuck that. I don't need no money. I am jus' happy with the damn pretty pictures that you show on me site... coz you know, it looks frickin' professional. Yo, did I cross the 100 bucks and you felt like mushin some money outta me? Sadistic fuck. Yea, can do no shit if goog don't pay. So, is that why you cancel me AdSense account?

So, you had me really unsettled man. I was so angry in between removing your code that I was spittin’ drool, man. Errors all over the hood and your code stopped serving, made me site look like shit for a few hours. That ain’t cool, that’s wild shit right there. I had to edit everywhere ya know. You didn't gimme no notice. Yo, what happened to the public service shit? You could've popped an advance notice on me with them and told me I got a few days to sort out!

Alright so you stopped serving... that’s your fault right there but why did you have to close me access to account? Excuse me my man but I got no fuckin’ clue as to what happened. I made no screen-shots and I got no data to compare against now bro. Okay, so you yanked me ads, thats cool but my historic data that can tell me what/if somethin' was wrong? Now that pisses me off. Damn server logs no good if I can't see no AdSense account now is it? I sit there ya know, flippin' those AdSense help pages that yo stupid no-reply alias sent me. Like shit it helps when ain't no one can yell at ya.

See, this one way communication hatch ain't no good. If I see a problem, I gotta tell ya, if you just hoe'r out somebody's inventory and give no intro shit, no listening nonsense, even alarming you in advance, you think that makes you fuckin’ square? What really makes accountability so dispensable for ya. Shit. Think I’m blind or some shit? Let me tell you somethin’ you ol’ fuck. You have no fuckin’ clue yourself. And you lie 'bout that in the guise of your frickin patented technique. That ain’t it. Damn you may think you smart, but you ain’t. You don’t even know, do ya? Shit.

So here I am though. You’re a cool guy, I’m a cool guy-yo. Ya know, there are bad-asses everywhere. Just that I ain't one of 'em. You’re fuckin’ big and got no time for me type small bloggers, yeah that's cool. Sorry ‘bout my language-yo. It’s just that I got this big vocabulary of words and I gotta throw d’em words out, man. I’m a cool guy-yo, you cool too, chill, yea. You and I’s can grab some smokes, grab some beer, and talk 'bout some shit. We still good pals, Goog. Visit any time, my man.

Goog. Nah, you fucked up.

But its cool.

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DISCLAIMERThis article may contain content inappropriate for your age, culture or country. Children under age 18 are specifically barred from proceeding any further from reading this post. By proceeding further, you certify that you are above 18, are not offended by off the hand remarks and know how to take criticism in a constructive and literary way. This article is in no way meant to endorse or otherwise to criticize any service, company or corporation. Names appear just to cite examples and to make a provocative, hopefully hilarious read, not to represent any facts. The information contained in this article may be entirely animated and any references to actual facts, actions, names or figures is purely coincidental and unintentional.

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 Comments & Discussions

  • Gravatar
    Jose Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 2:47 AM
    Re: Dear Google
    absolutely hilarious man. love your writing style. ROTFL

  • Gravatar
    Prem Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 2:48 AM
    Re: Dear Google
    Sudodh, yep goog indeed is a pain. Try
    www.rightmedia.com/

  • Gravatar
    Subodh Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 3:00 AM
    Re: Dear Google
    I've been drooling over their site for a while but it doesn't look like they accept small time publishers. Do they? Did I miss a sign up link somewhere?

  • Gravatar
    mad at you Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 5:14 AM
    Re: Dear Google
    Sir I hope you get laid off from Yahoo! and apply at Google. I'll make sure I give your sorry ass a good whooping.

  • Gravatar
    mad at you Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 5:16 AM
    Re: Dear Google
    I'll give you a good reco though. But you need to get your outbursts in control.

  • Gravatar
    Subodh Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 5:18 AM
    Re: Dear Google
    Somebody who puts a bang after Yahoo? happy Let me guess ...

  • Gravatar
    Fuck ya Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 7:11 PM
    Re: Dear Google
    Good that you were kicked out How much money you made out of shit site like this?

  • Gravatar
    Subodh Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 7:15 PM
    Re: Dear Google
    Ah! Another Goog employee. Chill out dude, this post is only meant as a hilarious read .. I got nothing against goog or anybody who works there. and no, the intention of AdSense wasn't to make money. It was to fill up the empty white spaces. Read the post again sir/madam happy

  • Gravatar
    Prasanna Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 7:20 PM
    Re: Dear Google
    Nice one. It was rather unfortunate that it had to happen around their pay-out time.

  • Gravatar
    Subodh Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 7:28 PM
    Re: Dear Google
    I would like to believe that it was done around payout time on purpose. haha. Got too many friends in goog you see, and somebody just felt a little too ornery one fine morning and figured 'you are going down.'

  • Gravatar
    Audrey Thursday, November 27, 2008 at 9:38 PM
    Re: Dear Google
    Good read and hilarious. sorry to hear they closed your account. sometimes it is really not your fault and we do send out a warning beforehand.Rest assured it has nothing to do with your payout date. I see you are running other ads too I sdont think you really bother but try appealing. It looks more to me like you want attention rather than a solution - just my 2 cents

  • Gravatar
    Anand Monday, December 01, 2008 at 10:58 PM
    Re: Dear Google
    Why are Goog and AdSense in bold ? It is distracting.

  • Gravatar
    lava rock Tuesday, December 02, 2008 at 12:51 AM
    Re: Dear Google
    Sorry you had your account turned off! I had my account suspended as well. I don't think any website or company can be perfect and cater to every single customer at every level, but from a higher level view, I think they do pretty well. I do however find this article rather amusing, and it made me laugh. Keep up the writing, it's worth its weight in gold. And yes, I work at goog. Forgetaboutit!

  • Gravatar
    Subodh Saturday, December 06, 2008 at 6:47 PM
    Re: Dear Google
    After a few checks, it turns out the friendly folks at direct.rightmedia.com" rel="nofollow">direct.rightmedia.com will activate ad exchange for all Yahoo employees and for other small publishers who have a decent Alexa rank. So head out there and get your ads.

  • Gravatar
    google hater Wednesday, April 08, 2009 at 6:03 PM
    Re: Dear Google
    Die google bitch

  
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